Santa Clause caught in Coke Scandal

      Santa Clause caught in Coke Scandal

      Santa Caught In Coke Scandal

      Millions may miss Xmas...

      Coca-Cola announced yesterday that the traditional red and white
      Santa outfit will be outlawed by 2009 if St Nick
      refuses to lose weight and wear the new slim fit design costumes being
      marketed by Coke. Coke chiefs feel the outdated “fat Santa” no longer
      fits in with the new healthy image Coke is trying to portray. Recently
      Coca-Cola has begun to sell a new "healthy soda" Diet Coke with Vitamins
      B6, B52, Magnesium, NH3 and Zinc Substrate, marketed as "Diet Coke

      Sources close to the big man say Santa has been fond of Coke for
      over 50 years and is very unhappy to hear they are threatening to pull
      their sponsorship.

      Santa - At it again.

      “Without the money Coco-Cola provide,” says Rudolf, “Many children will not receive the gifts they have asked for.”

      Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, who himself has been the center of
      many drinking scandals since admitting his red nose is in fact down to
      imbibing too much alcohol, was reported to say, “I don’t care! Let them
      pull the plug! We’ve still got Santa Libre! I mean come on, SANTA LIBRE
      seems far more appropriate and once you’ve had a few who cares!”

      Rudolf - Showing his age.

      “I spend my whole life devoted to the richly unrewarding task of
      lugging credit-card financed un-enjoyables around with the help of my
      colleagues and our off-road NWD* sleigh. What will happen to the poor

      The dispute dates back to the 1930s with Coca-Cola’s winter
      advertising campaigns depicting Santa Clause in red and white garments.
      Since then coke has used Santa in many marketing campaigns associating
      cola and Christmas in the hearts and minds of most households.

      Michael Rintin-Tin, marketing spokesperson for Coca-Cola
      refuted the claims that commercialism is ruining Xmas. “We are not
      trying to strong arm the big man, we just feel in present market
      conditions and with the obesity problems facing our children it would be
      irresponsible to condone Santa’s unhealthy lifestyle. If Santa could at
      least make an effort with his weight by perhaps using our new healthier
      brands we could start negotiations again. We are not stealing Xmas and
      in fact we think it should become an annual event.”

      The beverage conglomerate has opened the tender to its other
      brands. Sprite lemonade was quick to jump on the sleigh by offering 50%
      of the required sponsorship if Santa was to wear their sprite costume
      which is green and white.

      However, the EU (elf union) feels this will further confuse the
      public. “I’m sick of people calling us Dwarfs and the last thing we want
      is to be associated with Sprites. Sprites are evil little cretins that
      live in hell. We are Elves and proud of the fact we have been Santa’s
      little helpers for generations.”

      The move by Sprite to alleviate the problem has spurred other beverage giants to come up with bright ideas for 2009.

      Brugal is said to be interested in a possible partnership with
      Sprite but it’s been suggested that they would require the Brugal logo
      on both the sleigh and any future Xmas promotions.

      However, international driving associations have slammed
      suggestions of using alcoholic beverages because they feel it could
      encourage Drunk Sleigh Riding. “It’s bad enough with the Xmas drink
      driving problems we have now. Imagine giant flying sleighs out of
      control with boozed up drivers and eight reindeer running rampage.”

      Santa - in happier days.

      Whatever the outcome, many onlookers are calling for the magic to be put back into Xmas.

      The magic was taken from Xmas when the Orlando Magic basketball
      team bought it from Santa for an estimated US$15 million in 1933.

      Orlando Magic Team - Bought Xmas's magic in 1933

      According to sources close to Santa, he originally signed the
      deal with Coca-Cola because he believed the magic ingredients in the
      beverage helped him do his job in just one night. However when Coca-Cola
      stopped using the magic powder it seems nobody was performing to their
      usual standards. Mrs. Claus put her two cents in when she was quoted
      saying, “Caffeine is not enough man, we need magic! We have one of the
      highest profile media roles in the world and with that comes a lot of

      Mrs. Claus was recently spotted leaving a Harley Street clinic
      and ranted to reporters “Whoever takes Coca-Cola’s place in 2009 better
      give us what we need. We gotta’ get it. I need to get that Coca-Cola

      Beverage historian, Doctor Pepper was keen to provide some
      background to the story. He told us that the beverage was named
      Coca-Cola because, originally the stimulant mixed in the beverage was
      coca leaves from South America, from which the drug cocaine is derived.
      Apparently, the company has since removed this ingredient.

      This is not the first time Coca Cola has threatened to diversify
      its Xmas campaign. Top executives at the corporation have for years
      worried about the implications of condoning an old fat bloke creeping
      into children’s bedrooms at night.

      “It’s nothing short of a time bomb!” exclaimed Marketing Director,
      Minse Pyes in the CCTV recording we stole of their last board meeting.

      Once mince pies were blamed for Santa’s obesity but recent studies
      have shown that the calorific value of cola far exceeds a mince pie or
      even an oven-full of mince pies. Children used to leave milk out for
      Santa, but a lactose intolerance meant Santa once again returned to the
      popular fizzy drink.

      It is not the first time Santa has had to change his lifestyle
      to keep popular with the public. In the 1800’s Santa was much shorter,
      gnome like and smoked a pipe. Obviously, this had to change when public
      opinion dictated that it wasn’t cool to be short and gnome like.

      On the Christmas of 1862, during the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln
      specifically asked Santa to visit the Union soldiers. Thomas Nast
      created a fur-trimmed suit adorned with Stars and Stripes for Santa to
      wear as he brought a little joy to the soldiers who fought to protect
      the unity of America. Many historians say that seeing him side with the
      North was one of the most demoralizing moments for the Confederate army.

      Advertising gurus are now suggesting that PepsiCo could leverage a massive advantage if they can get the big guy on their side.

      Santa hit back this week saying, “Coca-Cola cannot stop me doing
      what I’ve done for 400 years. They can pull finance but any suggestion
      that they lay claim to my outfit is ridiculous. In fact, I was wearing
      red originally when I was Saint Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Lycia.
      As for my personal health issues I think Coke should realize that I’ve
      been around for a thousand years or more so whether I drink Coke
      Regular, Sprite or Brugal is my concern.”

      The debate carries on in court next week but one thing is for
      sure, Santa is flexible and is not afraid of change. Expect to see a new
      wardrobe soon.

      Artist's impression of new look Santa.

      Disclaimer. This story is not true and any resemblance to characters, events or companies is purely coincidental.

      *NWD – No Wheel Drive Vehicle

      (Source: Gringo Times)

      Vielleicht ist das schon bekannt, aber immer wieder schön zu lesen ;)